Sympathy

     I am not writing these, because I want the country to have sympathy for us. Ex-cons in general or myself in particular, I would like some understanding. I know that I have made my bed and must lay in it.  The problem is that its a cycle that I have repeated over and over. I break the law and because I'm such a poor criminal, I am caught, arrested and imprisoned. I serve my time and believe in my heart that I have learned my lesson and do not want to ever go through it again. I am released with the best of intentions. Look for employment and find somebody willing to give me an opportunity. I make a steady income, not a lot of money. But, its lawful and I am happy for a time.  But, then I start to dream of a home of my own, better cloths, a bigger television or any of the other bigger or better products that as an American I feel I deserve. (this is of course just my opinion) 
      But then starts the down-slide back down the wrong road. I feel that I should be able to get these things, but I really can't afford them. Which makes me feel ashamed, guilty and inept. I then think what the heck, I don't like feeling this way. So, I want to change the way I feel. Well, drugs and or alcohol will change the way that I feel. What the heck, I might as well have a feel drinks cause that will ease the pain or discomfort that I am feeling. But a few drinks lead me to say " a doobie(joint of  marijuana) And this isn't all happening in the course of a day. This is over the course of weeks or months. But, Its always the same. I get to the point that I am so disgusted with my own behavior that I just say F it basically. Which has sent me back to prison three times.
     I believe that most people would be saying  "then why keep doing it"at this point. I wish that I had a reasonable answer. I am not stupid, but my actions speak differently. I am not a glutton for punishment, but again my actions speak differently. I have been asking myself why for almost twenty years and I will just say that drinking and drugging became my comfort zone. When in doubt, pain or discomfort I would just fall back on what made me feel better. Even for just a short time. Again, not an excuse. Just a fact of my life.
     Now, the reason that I said all of this is because I don't feel that my situation is special. I believe that many convicted felons feel the same way. Nobody grows up thinking that they want to be a convict or a drug user. I mean, I had dreams of doing other things with my life and so did every other man or women that has been put in prison. But what is done is done. We want the same things that every other person in the country wants. A home of our own. dependable transportation and some money in the bank. The problem is that because of many poor choices we have started the race with shackles on that we put on ourselves. So, finding a job that will allow us to have these things is difficult. Not impossible and I have had some great paying jobs. But, I allow my guilt or just my feelings in general to dictate my actions. Many people go through the same thing.

This is my first attempt at not only writing, but putting my thoughts down. Also, my first attempt at a blog. Please give some feed back. I will attempt to improve. I have many thoughts and sometimes feel that I'm trying to put them all down at the same time. Which makes me feel as if the one point that I'm trying to get across is lost. What do you think?