I hope that everybody had a very Happy New Year.
I spoke of guilt and remorse earlier. I think that we (convicted felons) usually feel a lot of these two emotions. Most of us get into the situations that put us in prison in the first place, because we don't know how to handle, express or deal with these emotions. And we spiral downward most of our lives for the same reason. We feel bad, so we continue to make bad decisions. That sounds silly to me, but that's a simple point of view. I believe that if we learned to face these feelings then we would not continue on the same spiral. But, that is sometimes easier said than done. Disappointment of family, friends and even ourselves cause us to be distracted, lose focus and self destruct.
I would like to say that I learned from my first mistake, and I believe that I did. But, I have made several similar mistakes in my life. Why? I don't believe that I am stupid. But, my history says otherwise. I wallowed in self disgust and self pity. "Oh, boo-hoo, I'm a lousy father, son, boyfriend, brother, man" or whatever the poison of the day was. So, therefore, I must punish myself. That was never a conscious thought. Hindsight tells me that must have been what was going on. I don't think that I'm overly special, Different yes, overly special "no". So that leads me to believe that maybe that’s what many convicts must feel. Drug addicts that I have heard speak, have confirmed this.
I want everybody to know again that neither I nor anyone that I have met before, during or after my incarceration said to me that I want to go to prison when I grow up. Yea, I figure that you knew that. But, at the same time we are stereotyped into a certain box all the time. The label on that box is usually loser, bad man or women, trouble and on and on. At the end of the day we won’t what everybody else in the country wants, the American Dream and some peace of mind. I think that because of the choices that we have made it’s more difficult for us. Because its more difficult we have negative feelings during the attempt to obtain the dream and this causes us to stumble and fall flat on our faces over and over. I don’t blame anyone for my negative feelings and the funny part is that I believe the only thing in life that I have some semblance of control over is my thoughts and choices. I don’t really think that we have a lot of control over our choices at the time that we make them. I will get more into that subject later.
