Feelings

I hope that everybody had a very Happy New Year.

I spoke of guilt and remorse earlier. I think that we (convicted felons) usually feel a lot of these two emotions. Most of us get into the situations that put us in prison in the first place, because we don't know how to handle, express or deal with these emotions. And we spiral downward most of our lives for the same reason. We feel bad, so we continue to make bad decisions. That sounds silly to me, but that's a simple point of view. I believe that if we learned to face these feelings then we would not continue on the same spiral. But, that is sometimes easier said than done. Disappointment of family, friends and even ourselves cause us to be distracted, lose focus and self destruct.
I would like to say that I learned from my first mistake, and I believe that I did. But, I have made several similar mistakes in my life. Why? I don't believe that I am stupid. But, my history says otherwise. I wallowed in self disgust and self pity. "Oh, boo-hoo, I'm a lousy father, son, boyfriend, brother, man" or whatever the poison of the day was. So, therefore, I must punish myself. That was never a conscious thought. Hindsight tells me that must have been what was going on. I don't think that I'm overly special, Different yes, overly special "no". So that leads me to believe that maybe that’s what many convicts must feel. Drug addicts that I have heard speak, have confirmed this.
I want everybody to know again that neither I nor anyone that I have met before, during or after my incarceration said to me that I want to go to prison when I grow up. Yea, I figure that you knew that. But, at the same time we are stereotyped into a certain box all the time. The label on that box is usually loser, bad man or women, trouble and on and on. At the end of the day we won’t what everybody else in the country wants, the American Dream and some peace of mind. I think that because of the choices that we have made it’s more difficult for us. Because its more difficult we have negative feelings during the attempt to obtain the dream and this causes us to stumble and fall flat on our faces over and over. I don’t blame anyone for my negative feelings and the funny part is that I believe the only thing in life that I have some semblance of control over is my thoughts and choices. I don’t really think that we have a lot of control over our choices at the time that we make them. I will get more into that subject later.

Criminals

Being a criminal is a choice. Yes, we (myself specifically) made a choice in our lives a some point to break the law. I realize that this in something that we must live with. And I made that choice several times. But, at some point we should be able to put that choice behind us. My emotions played a large part in my repeat performance. Not an excuse.
We are criminals, but there are many Americans that have also made poor choices. The difference is that, they made the choice at a young age and where given the chance to not be convicted because of social situation. It could have been due to financial position, family, friends in the system or just plain luck. What I means is at a point in their young lives they broke the law and some how they were not convicted. They learned from the mistake and were given the chance to go on with there life without a blemish on it.  I am not crying poor me, poor us or anything like that. I am saying that many people have made the same mistakes and because of circumstances, they learn and avoided jail, prison or even just a felony conviction.
I do not want anybody that is reading this to have an epiphany and think that I am saying, "They (convicted felons) are just people that got screwed by the system."  I am also not blaming the system or anybody for the fact that we are in this position in our lives for any other reason then we messed up.  I just would like people to realize that once the debt to society has been payed. Once we have done our time, is it to much to ask for a chance to join the ranks of productive members of society.
Corporate America won't hire most of us. I understand that they are apprehensive about theft and a number of other possibilities. But, I have met a few young men and women that would have contributed to any company that offered them an opportunity to make a decent living.
I am, like many others in this country, a criminal. I would like to say that I WAS a criminal. But, I am aware that I am only one poor choice away from breaking a law that could put me back in the system. And since, my history says that when push comes to shove, I will break the law, then I have to live with that moniker. Many people don't realize that guilt, pain, sadness or even remorse have a influence on choices. Again, I am not making any excuses. I did what I did. That's a fact that if given the chance I would change. I must life with that. I am not asking anybody to forgive me. If anything, I might be writing this so that I can learn to forgive myself. But, we as one of the greatest countries on this planet have to learn to forgive or be swallowed by a disease of our own creation. I am still unsure if the disease is the prison system, the drug addiction or just plain me.

Sympathy

     I am not writing these, because I want the country to have sympathy for us. Ex-cons in general or myself in particular, I would like some understanding. I know that I have made my bed and must lay in it.  The problem is that its a cycle that I have repeated over and over. I break the law and because I'm such a poor criminal, I am caught, arrested and imprisoned. I serve my time and believe in my heart that I have learned my lesson and do not want to ever go through it again. I am released with the best of intentions. Look for employment and find somebody willing to give me an opportunity. I make a steady income, not a lot of money. But, its lawful and I am happy for a time.  But, then I start to dream of a home of my own, better cloths, a bigger television or any of the other bigger or better products that as an American I feel I deserve. (this is of course just my opinion) 
      But then starts the down-slide back down the wrong road. I feel that I should be able to get these things, but I really can't afford them. Which makes me feel ashamed, guilty and inept. I then think what the heck, I don't like feeling this way. So, I want to change the way I feel. Well, drugs and or alcohol will change the way that I feel. What the heck, I might as well have a feel drinks cause that will ease the pain or discomfort that I am feeling. But a few drinks lead me to say " a doobie(joint of  marijuana) And this isn't all happening in the course of a day. This is over the course of weeks or months. But, Its always the same. I get to the point that I am so disgusted with my own behavior that I just say F it basically. Which has sent me back to prison three times.
     I believe that most people would be saying  "then why keep doing it"at this point. I wish that I had a reasonable answer. I am not stupid, but my actions speak differently. I am not a glutton for punishment, but again my actions speak differently. I have been asking myself why for almost twenty years and I will just say that drinking and drugging became my comfort zone. When in doubt, pain or discomfort I would just fall back on what made me feel better. Even for just a short time. Again, not an excuse. Just a fact of my life.
     Now, the reason that I said all of this is because I don't feel that my situation is special. I believe that many convicted felons feel the same way. Nobody grows up thinking that they want to be a convict or a drug user. I mean, I had dreams of doing other things with my life and so did every other man or women that has been put in prison. But what is done is done. We want the same things that every other person in the country wants. A home of our own. dependable transportation and some money in the bank. The problem is that because of many poor choices we have started the race with shackles on that we put on ourselves. So, finding a job that will allow us to have these things is difficult. Not impossible and I have had some great paying jobs. But, I allow my guilt or just my feelings in general to dictate my actions. Many people go through the same thing.

This is my first attempt at not only writing, but putting my thoughts down. Also, my first attempt at a blog. Please give some feed back. I will attempt to improve. I have many thoughts and sometimes feel that I'm trying to put them all down at the same time. Which makes me feel as if the one point that I'm trying to get across is lost. What do you think?

Being a convict 2

     I have made many poor decisions. This is not an excuse. I broke the law. Laws that are designed to keep this the great country that it is. Yes, there are many problems in this country. Some of the problems I have contributed to. Some, I may still be a part of. But, I believe that the problems have solutions. If we could stop stereo-typing people that would be a beginning. I know that is a tall order.
     I have known a lot of inmates in prison. I always thought that I was different, because I wasn't a criminal. I lied to myself. Just because I have a sense of honor, integrity and honesty, doesn't mean that I live by these ideals. I have realized that as long as things were going my way, I lived with them. But, as soon as things weren't, I switched mind sets. I thought outside the box. Crossed the line, or whatever cliche you would like to use.  I have finally admitted that I am a criminal. A hard working, law abiding(most of the time) semi-intelligent criminal. I would like to say that I was never a criminal. Because, it makes me feel very ashamed of who I am. Because I wasn't raised that way. But, my actions all of my adult life have proved that's what I became.
     A very sad man once said to me "once a criminal always a criminal." I said at the time that he was wrong. But looking back at my thought process. I have to say that I was wrong.

Free Speech

I said that this was just a place for ex-cons to voice their opinions, but I would like to hear from just about anyone. I am trying to understand this country that I love, but at times don't like much. I would enjoy discussing my problems and the problems of other that are dealing with the SYSTEM. Whether you have been in a correctional facility or have a loved one in a facility.

Beginnings

Many convicted felons can sort of blame different things in their past for the choices they made. These choices lead to their incarceration. Please read that again. I am not passing the buck for anything that I did or for anyone convicted in a court of law. We did it and paid for it. But many ex-cons can say I did it for this reason or that reason. Growing up in a rough environment, single parent and poor are just a few examples. This doesn't excuse their behavior. But I guy or gal grows up in a neighborhood where they see the only people with real money are criminals. Yes, we are all taught right and wrong as children. Well, most of us. But, I can understand the desire to want to make money. Actually, most everybody on the planet should.